Mad Ninja Skills
by AgentMorganB-006
Summary: Series of one-shots featuring the Bat-Bros using their expertise in stealth outside the field. First up: Jason in the kitchen. 2nd: Dick the quiet performer 3rd: Tim the office ninja
1. Jason: the silent chef

**This is my first fanfic, so constructive criticism is welcome.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned this I would have hired some of these fan fiction authors years ago.**

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Damian was shocked.

Impressed too. Not that he would admit that to anyone. He especially would not allow his facial expressions to betray him to Todd of all people.

It happened to be one of those rare occasions that a certain Jason Todd decided to pay a visit to the penthouse of Wayne Tower. Todd had insisted that he only came for supplies and that the only reason he decided to get them at the tower instead of one of his many safe houses was simply that it was more convent at the time. Though some, ( _cough_ , Grayson, _cough_ ) suggest that Todd was just curious as to what his family was up to. Of course, this was basically a loose translation of Grayson saying that perhaps Todd, dare he say, missed them.

"I am _not_ curious." Todd would deadpan. "Of course." Grayson would mock agree, a glimmer of mischief sparkling in his eyes. "But you know how the saying goes…" He'd start with an ornery grin. "While curiosity may have killed the cat," Todd would point a finger at him warningly. "Don't you dare finish that." He'd growl with a glare pointed at the acrobat. " _Satisfaction brought it back."_ Grayson sing-songed back. This usually causes a chain reaction of three things: The first being a bout of laughter from one Timothy Drake, typically starting with the spitting out of his coffee first. A firm scolding from Pennyworth about bringing up "Master Jason's most unfortunate event." And of course, Todd (ever the drama queen) would lunge across the table, ("Only I get to crack jokes about my death, you little…") seemingly to end the acrobatic vigilante.

This is presumably why Todd came much later this evening when the tower was much quieter.

He came in with a hand full of weirdly shaped packages whistling as he made his way to the microwave. "Demon Brat." The other male greeted. "Tt." Damian rolled his eyes from his place at the table. "Todd." He acknowledged the young man. And Grayson said he needed to learn how to be more civil.

He was writing up a report for the idiotic place called school. Why Grayson insisted he go was beyond him. Todd certainly couldn't get any louder. Whistling out a tune he called music and slamming closed the microwave. Todd turned to lean on the counter and face Damian. "Whatcha workin on squirt?" Damian growled. "I am not a child Todd, and I refused to be treated as one by being called such degrading names." The older male threw up his hands in a placating gesture. "As you wish bitty bat."

Whatever comeback and ridicule that Damian was going to say was cut off by Todd swinging open the microwave door. The timer displayed 0:00 but Damian never heard a beep. How did Todd get the door open before it went off, but after the timer hit zero?  
Now Damian was staring down the young man in the kitchen.

"What?" The imbecile mumbled around a mouth full of food. "Jealous of my good looks?" The staring continued. "Look, I don't know what golden boy's policy is on feeding you, but I'm definitely not sharing," Todd stated firmly taking a large bite out of whatever nonsense he calls food as if it was a bold period at the end of his sentence.

If Damian were a lesser, weaker, being he might have his mouth left hanging open. As he was a former assassin he was able to school his awed face into a mild glare.

"I will have you know that I fought for these Taquito's fair and square in a game of knife, pistol, and machine gun. Which let me tell you is not a game for the faint of heart."

The glare intensified.

"Fine! Maybe I didn't win by playing completely fair, but that psycho was asking for it." Todd's voice was getting increasingly louder, but Damian was still too shell-shocked to bring himself to care. "The punk wouldn't let up! Crazed lunatic in a red mask. He had to be dragged away by his friend in blue and red long johns'." Once he had started he couldn't seem to stop. "I wasn't gonna let him have the last ones on the stand after I travel all the way to Mexico to get the real thing." Damian grit his teeth but still said nothing.

"Just tell the big bird to feed you!" Todd shouted storming off with his prize.

* * *

Dick was tired.

Who would have thought that all of the paperwork of being a child's legal guardian and dealing with lawyers would be so stressful? He groaned, rubbing his hand down his face.

"First you force Alfred to take a night off when you forget to feed the demon brat?"

Dick turned to find his wayward brother casually leaning against the door frame. "That's just sad." The unmasked red hood shook his head slowly. "Jason, what are you talking about?" Dick asked with furrowed brows. "The kid's too skinny." The second oldest bat brother started pushing off the door frame to leave. "Jason wait!" Dick hollered standing.

"What do you want golden boy?" He asked annoyed. "I just wanted to tell you that you are allowed to stay if you want to." The eldest reminded. "Yeah, okay." And with that, Jason was gone.

* * *

And this is how Dick found his youngest brother; starting the microwave (with nothing in it?) then opening it when it reached 0:01. A low growl would soon follow along with the slamming of the machine's door. Then he would repeat, though sometimes his baby brother would open the door on the first beep.

The process went on for sometime before Dick decided to intervene.

"Dami?" The elder started. The younger of the two twisted around to look at his brother. "What are you doing?" Dick asked incredulously.

Something akin to panic crossed Damian's face but was quickly morphed into a look of indifference. "Ah, Grayson." The boy nodded almost approvingly, though Dick could still see a hint of panic in his eyes and the embarrassed red that tinted his ears. "I suggest you tell Pennyworth that there seems to be a malfunction with this putrid contraption." He said making an angry gesture toward the microwave. "I suggest we have it removed immediately." Damian finished holding his head high as he waited for a response. "Or maybe I could take a look at it," Dick suggested stepping forward.

"Who knows," He shrugged, voice light and teasing. "It could just be the fact that you didn't have any food in there to heat up." The youngest scowled, stomping out of the kitchen. "Tt, Whatever Grayson."

Later; if anyone accused Jason of leaving one of his treasured churros for the kid, he could always say it was the replacement trying to make him look soft.

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 **What did you think? Please review.**

 **Also can anybody guess who the "crazed lunatic" and his friend were? I might do a story on how Jason won those taquito's if anybody is interested in knowing.**


	2. Dick: the silent showman

**I'm back!**

 **Thank you to my two reviewers, hopefully the spacing is fixed on this chapter. I'm still trying to edit the last one. And yes, it was Deadpool and Spiderman. Still considering writing about that excursion.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned this I would probably still be here, bouncing round story ideas.**

Jason stood sulking in the middle of the crowded ballroom. Why exactly did he have to be here? The old man already had golden boy, who had enough energy to make up for the lack of at the very least Jason's presence. Not to mention Replacement. That kid would definitely make the company look good with him mingling. Even Demon brat was here! While the kid would probably do more harm than good. Shouldn't three kids be enough?

Why did Jason have to be here himself? Oh yeah! Marcason, the man _**Jason**_ _**thought**_ _was a good pick for head of the fundraiser this year_ , decided this was a great way to connect the donators with the cause.

Which is how he found himself in a stupid football jersey and slacks in a room full of stuck up little… nevermind. He wouldn't even dare _think_ a cuss word with Alfred in close proximity for fear of losing cookie privileges. Though maybe he could start putting down payments into the swear jar for these occasions. _Is the swear jar even still around?_ At least he was better off than some people, namely Bruce who was wearing what was supposed to be a king's robe and a crown.

Why were they dressed as such? Well, that leads right back to Marason. He proposed that if each donator was sent a letter from one of the children at the Martha Wayne's Children's Hospital with a picture of the child and what they wanted to be when they grew up then each of the donator's could dress like the childrens dream career and show on a more personal level their support.

Great idea in retrospect. _As long as he didn't have to participate._ Unfortunately, he was head of the department and was therefore obligated to show up at the event.

So since he couldn't leave he took to scowling at passersby as he leaned against the wall with a cup of punch that tasted _way_ too strongly of pineapple. Starting by locating the people he actually knew so he could project his displeasure upon them without having to move.

The demon brat was standing across the room with the old man wearing a knight's armor, minus the helmet. Complete with a sword. _How on earth did the demon spawn ever pulled that off will forever be a mystery to Jason._ People probably thought it was a cute coincidence that father and son matched, but the bat clan knew that the brat refused to wear anything he deemed a "degrading uniform for a meaningless occupation."

Replacement had by far the dumbest costume in the whole ballroom. White button up shirt, khaki pants, which by themselves weren't bad _but_ the kid had a pocket protector with a calculator sticking out of it and a pencil behind his ear. ("I knew you were a nerd, but this is taking it just a bit far, don't ya think?" Jason had commented to the younger male earlier in the evening. "The eleven year old boy I got wants to be an accountant." He replied shrugging. " _What kind of self respecting_ _ **eleven**_ _year old_ _ **wants**_ _to be an accountant?_ Anyone who _**wants**_ _to be an_ _ **accountant**_ is a crazy person!") How anyone could take him seriously were either a nerd themselves, an idiot, or blind.

Alfred was even dressed up, which was beyond strange. Maybe if he was dressed as an officer or a dentist Jason could handle it, but considering the elderly gentleman was wearing a certain kryptonian symbol and walking around serving little decorated cakes… it was definitely an experience. Jason supposes that if Alfred is a good enough sport to participate he should just get over himself but its hard think of the greater good when your surrounded by idiots.

Speaking of which, he still hadn't seen Golden boy.

When a quick sweep of the room yielded no overly happy acrobats Jason scowl deepend. _If he skipped out, then I am going to beat him to a pulp!_

"Your face is gonna freeze like that!" A voice singsonged behind him. Jason swung around to face the possible threat and came face to face with...Richard Grayson himself. _Wait how did he sneak up on him!? Wasn't he wearing…_ a quick glance down at his (sort-of-but-like-he's-ever-going-to-say-it-to-golden-boys-face) older-brother's feet confirmed that yes, Dick was wearing bright and shiny tap shoes. Then how on earth did he come up behind him without making a sound.

"Come on Jay, smile! Your department had a great idea. I'm actually genuinely enjoying myself." Villante leaned over with a grin. "Even if you don't want to hang around majority of these people, I think that I saw a certain officers daughter wearing popstar pants." He elbowed the younger man while wiggling his eyebrows. "I am not interested in any dates you have set up for me, In fact I am perfectly happy single." Jason responded indignantly, mind still racing to figure out how his older brother moved so silently in metal shoes.

Dick threw his hands up in surrender. "Alright, I let it happen on its own. But just know this," He started ominously. "There is a 'stuck up socialite little… nevermind' trying to force his affections upon to said officers daughter." That spark something in Jason, but he refused to give himself away in front of the golden boy. "Whatever. Why don't you take your matchmaking never-you-mind nosey self over to sneak up on some other unsuspecting party goer." As soon as it came out of his mouth Jason knew he had said too much.

A sly grin slowly crept onto the older males face. "Fine I know when I'm not wanted." He started to walk away, the proper _click-clack_ sound following behind him. _Maybe I just imagined it. Afterall, it not exactly quiet in here._

That's when dick turned around to walk backwards. "By the way," And as the words drawled the tapping went nonexistent. "A performer always knows how to make his way around without disturbing the show." And with that, Golden boy melted into the crowd.

"Freaking acrobatic ninja show pony!"

 **Hopefully you liked it! And if anyone wants to beta... I'm not sure how it works, but I'd love the help.**


	3. Tim: Zzziiip ya lip

**Sorry that its been awhile. But look at all you followers sticking it out ) I had a harder time with this one so hopefully you like it.**

 **Thank you IloveRobin1822 for your review, your emoji made my day :D**

 **Disclaimer: Writing fanfic is like crushing on a celebrity; you love them but they don't know you exist. Nuf said :|**

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The first time it happened Dick assumed that he had imagined it.

Maybe it was a new bag, or Tim cheated and used oil, or maybe he was simply being careless ( _yeah right! When is Timmy ever careless? Besides his with his sleep schedule)_.

He didn't want to think about it.

They were in a meeting the first time he really noticed it. Bruce was making a business deal with a new upstart company. The Co. was still starting out well on their way to becoming a big business in not only Gotham, but throughout the state. All they needed was a helping hand... And to get rid of the one man in the company who seem to be dealing under the table without his boss's knowledge.

The owner was an honest family kind of man. Which is why Bruce had the boys come in the first place. He was also a hard egg to crack, so he told the boys to come prepared.

Dick was more than willing to assist with negotiations, he liked to think that he could be persuasive as both Nightwing and as Dick Grayson. Jason never turned away someone he felt would make an actual difference in the community. The owner had already had made quite an impact with his outreach programs. And of course Tim was there to break down anything Mr. Shady Lawyer would use as an excuse to stay away from Wayne Enterprises. The guy knew that any outside help would expose him for the rat he is.

Just when the owner was about to shake hands and agree, Mr. Shady Lawyer threw down some half pitted counter proposal that was actually somewhat reasonable.

Bruce was frustrated, the owner looked convinced but upset, and Tim… Well Tim did something very Tim like.

He quickly and silently reached for a leather file holder sitting beside his chair and pulled it into his lap. Mr. Shady Lawyer was taking his time, knowing we didn't have a proper counter to his proposal. Tim didn't want to tip him off.

He flipped open the case without making a sound then reached for the zipper. Dick clenched his eyes shut in anticipation of the obnoxious noise of the fabric parting.

It never came.

He looked over shocked to find Tim pulling out two files about a quarter inch thick each.

Maybe it was left open earlier? Yeah that was it. But no, Tim would never be so careless with his work.

A new bag? No this was one he has been dragging around forever.

Does he oil his zippers?

Dick didn't get the chance to progress this further as he was handed the file by Tim and heard his second little brother explain the contents to the room. In the end a sweaty Mr. shady Lawyer cracked and admitted to everything. The owner had a new business partner. And Dick forgot all about the oddity of Tim's case zipper.

* * *

That is until Tim came home from visiting the Titans one day.

The off duty Red Robin came in in casual clothes, sunglasses perched on his nose, and a duffle bag draped across his shoulder. His baby brother might have looked exhausted, but he looked happy and content. _I suppose giving him some time away is worth it if it makes him happy._ He fell into on of the side chairs in the front room and let the bag drop heavily to the floor while tossing the glass on the coffee table in front of him.

"Ya have a good time Timmy?" Dick asked brightly, highly amused by his brother's tired exhale. "Mmmhhm…" He hummed back noncommittally. "Bring me back a present?" The elder pressed. A raised eyebrow was his only response for a minute. "I was barely gone a week." The teen deadpanned. "Which means your lucky I'm not expecting a present and a whole day to catch up and bond like brothers should after long periods apart." The batting eyelashes really was a tad too much, but Dick always thought 'go big or go home' (of course he technically was home so… there was that).

He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped when his little brother rolled his eyes at him with an exasperated sigh. "Maybe I picked up something up at a small art shop in Jump and maybe I didn't." The young detective announced pulling his oversized bag into his lap. "I _was_ going to save it, but I suppose you can have it now." Dick leaned forward in anticipation as Tim started tugging at the zipper.

It opened up without so much as a hum from the metal.

Dick was too busy staring dumbly at the bag which had found its way to the floor without his notice to see that Tim was headed over to him with gift in hand.

"Um… You okay there Dick?" Tim ask hesitantly. "Huh?" Slowly the elder brother came back to the present. "Yes of course." One last shake of his head and he had his eyes lock back unto his younger brother. "You sure?" Tim's eyebrows were furrowed deeply in concern. "Yeah, definitely! What'd ya get me?" His little brother gave him a sceptical look but continued to unwrap the item in his hands.

"I wasn't sure if you'd even like it, but I had this feeling that maybe…" He trailed off holding up the small porcelain gift. It was a miniature carousel, big top style. It had everything that reminded him of his first home. He could do anything but breathe it in for a moment almost feeling like he was there with his circus family. "It's amazing Timmy!" Dick exclaimed pulling his brother into a hug. "Thank you!" He said it quieter than he meant to because of the emotion building up in his throat.

"Well, I better go unpack before I get in trouble with Alfred." Tim coughed to brush off the overly sentimental moment ( _Why does it seem that I'm the only one in the family that has any semblance of emotions?_ ).

Once again Dick forgot all about the zipper anomaly because of emotional distractions.

* * *

He finally got the chance to inspect the bag upon passing his second baby brothers room later that evening.

There it was sitting empty by the laundry basket just waiting to be washed. He strained his hearing to hear that the water was running. Good, Timmy was in the shower. This was his chance.

He (unnecessarily) crept into the room and over the the offending bag setting it up on the bed so it was closer to his height. ( _What makes you tick?_ ) running his fingers along the metal strips he didn't feel any kind of grease come off, but he inspected his fingers for traces of it nonetheless. ( _Guess I'll just have to test it myself.)_ Pulling the zipper closed he was only mildly surprised (but very frustrated) that it made the obnoxious noise he'd been expecting.

 _(Maybe I just need to go slowly)_ Moving slower than molasses Dick could still hear small clicking. ( _Tim definitely move slow at all anyway, so that's not it)_ That didn't stop Dick from trying several times to accomplish the task of moving the zipper silently and quickly.

With each fail more frustration came, and this was the only reason he didn't notice his confused brother approach.

"Um, Dick?" He may not have actually jumped, but to a bat the expression and body language was about the equivalent anyway. "What are you doing with my duffle?" Tim questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm… just… fixing the zipper." The elder brother held out the bag to demonstrate opening the top with a long zzzziiip. "See? All better." The grin was too big (even for Dick Grayson) to be anything but fake innocence.

"...Thank you." The hesitancy and disbelief in the youngers voice was strongly distinguishable as he took the duffle back from his eldest brother.

"I'm just gonna go put it with my dirty clothes in the laundry shoot, okay?" Timmers said slowly zipping the bag back up ( _The quiet is unnatural!)_

As his baby brother left the room with basket in hand, Dick watched his back disappear out the door.

"Timmy is an enigma, that's all I have to say." He deadpanned vowing to leave well enough alone for once.

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 **Please review and tell my what y'all think.**

 **Also does anyone have any ideas for Damian? It has to be something everyday. Dick's ninja skill has been the most out there as his is the only one I have never actually witnessed. But it could be something he learn when he was with the shadows.**

 **To clear some things up: in these all of the bat boys except Damian work for WE. I read it in a fic somewhere (can't remember which one) where Jason was in charge of charities, outreaches, and human resources. I loved the idea so kudos to whoever came up with the idea first.**

 **The officers daughter Dick mentions is a hint to another fic I've been dreaming up for a while, so you might get more detail on her later.**

 **Last thing: I still need a beta... Any takers? PM me**


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